The United Kingdom is in a state of national mourning following the death of Queen Elizabeth II. This is manifesting in official ways, such as television changing, the bank holiday for the funeral, flags and half mast etc. However, there is also something in the air, a sense of loss that is difficult to explain. Whether or not you are a fan of the monarchy, the idea of a world without the late queen is strange.
Our children are intuitive by nature. It is a survival instinct leftover from the times of our earliest civilisations. When there is a sense of unease in the world, our children feel it and change because of it. This is true even if they don’t recognise it or aren’t able to define it.
Additionally, death is a heavy subject for adults. Add to that the not quite developed brains of children and it feels insurmountable. Children and young people are learning on a large scale how we mourn and how we allow others to do the same. It is important that the adults in their lives are having conversations and leaning in to ensure the lessons they are learning are grounded in the values we want them to live.
Meet your child where they are when talking about death
Depending on age, maturity and life experience, children will have varying ideas about what death means. It is essential that the adults in a child’s life are able to listen to what those ideas are. We need to start from a place of asking questions and then giving space and time to listen to the answers. We may need to fill in the gaps. We may witness strong reactions to the idea of losing loved ones. They may also be matter-of-fact and ok. All of these responses are valid. It is our job to sit in that space with them and allow them to explore. We are here to walk alongside them rather than choose the path.
Explain why Queen Elizabeth II’s death is significant
Many people forget this piece. This is a historic moment. The late queen had a major impact personally, politically and culturally. She was a role model to many. She was a constant in the lives of the British people. As children see images of people laying flowers at the gates of the many royal residences or traveling to see her lying in state, talk about why that is. A natural question that comes up is, “But they never even met her. Why are they so sad?” Explore that question by asking what they think the answer is and then giving your opinion. Again, this is not to indoctrinate political suasions. It is to develop an understanding of the significance leaders have in the lives of the people they lead.
Remind older children and young people that now is not the time for jokes
We’ve all seen them. Some of us may have even repeated them. Banter and humour are ways many people cope with difficulties in life. However, children, just like many adults, rarely see where the line is for time and place. During this time, people are both outwardly and inwardly reflecting on the impacts of not only the death of the queen but also death as a part of life. When people are raw in their grief, words can hurt. We don’t always see the impact these words can have. This is a time to remind children about the value of compassion. This is a time to develop emotional intelligence and empathy by learning how to hold opinions and comments in support of someone who is hurting.
Keep the conversation going
Nothing is more dangerous than a one-and-done approach to difficult conversations. So much processing happens behind those beautiful eyes of our children. This is a time when conversations should happen little and often. Quiet moments in the car, walking home from school or cooking dinner provide a natural and easy time to bring up these topics. They are having these conversations daily at school with friends and in the classroom. Make your voice just as prominent, if not more, as those that they hear away from you. This is a time to grow and develop the bond you have with your child. Let them know you can be a font of knowledge, a place for learning and exploration and a secure space to find comfort and peace in times of unease. This will serve them not only in the now but establish these spaces as reliable resources when they are needed in the future.