“Be careful whom you share this information with. Most people do not understand what this means for you. Keep it private.”
This was the advice given to me by the Dr who diagnosed me with ADHD in 2000. Honestly, at the time, it was good advice. I was not in a protected category. Girls didn’t have ADHD anyway as far as anyone knew. It would do me no favours to share this part of my identity at that time.
I’d like to believe that the world has become a more welcoming place in 23 years. In many ways, it has. However, ableist rhetoric still permeates the discussion when disclosing diagnoses of our children and ourselves as adults. This comes from friends, relatives, educators, work colleagues and even uneducated medical professionals.
As an ADHD woman, a parent of 4 neurodivergent children, a wife of a neurodivergent man, an educator, an ally, an advocate and a general human being, I am constantly appalled by what I hear. As a professional working in this field, I hear daily about the abusive language used to minimize the real lives experience of neurodivergent people.
Now, as much as it would feel great to just shout this down, it would serve no long-term purpose for making our diverse world more inclusive or equitable. Here are the top 5 ableist statements heard by clients and my family and ways to combat their ignorance.
We didn’t have all of this in my day
This one happens a lot. This usually comes from an older person who defines the world through their own experience. The truth is, neurodivergence has been around as long as we have been a species. The truth is that for centuries, neurodivergent people have been change-makers in our world. The shadow side of that truth is that for centuries, ND people have been ridiculed, unsupported, hidden away as a family shame and even killed. The fact that we weren’t spoken about doesn’t mean we weren’t there.
How to reply: I can see where you’d think that since it wasn’t spoken about or even properly identified. I’m so glad the world’s awareness is catching up with its truth.
It’s just bad parenting
This one is so frustrating. I understand that to the untrained eye, a meltdown can look like a tantrum. A child can appear rude for not following social norms. This also comes from people who value blind compliance from children above all else. As long as a child appears to be following directions, they are a good child. Should a child step out of line or not behave as the automaton that makes life easier for the adults around them, they are bad.
Many people who value spanking and beating kids fall into this as well. Similar to the “in my day” rhetoric, kids were beaten for not following directions. Here’s the thing with that. Kids can do a lot of things when they are terrified. Pain is a huge motivator. So, beaten kids will submit and mask traits and play the game. Then, these kids grow up. They aren’t afraid anymore. They have developed no coping mechanisms or self-awareness. They have, however, learned that being bigger and stronger is the way to get what you want. Or, they have learned to submit to the will of others or else they get hurt. Are these the lessons we want our children to learn?
Parents of ND children are having to write a new playbook every day to be able to meet the needs of their children. This uneducated, judgmental rhetoric is an added weight to the load they have to carry every day. It is unhelpful, untrue and unkind.
How to reply: It’s tough enough being a parent in this world. I don’t need to pile on. Plus, some brains are designed differently and have different needs and different stressors. That’s not parenting. That’s just biology. I hope that kid and his parents find tomorrow easier than today.
Shouldn’t you have outgrown this?
This one makes me laugh. Do you think my brain just needed a little more time to cook in the oven? Does my ADHD have a BMI cutoff? Am I a fine wine just waiting to mature? This is so ridiculous. Nobody in their right mind would ask a diabetic if they have outgrown their diabetes. Nor would they ask if I had outgrown my blue eyes.
Many adults do learn to cope and mask and appear to be socially typical. So, I may have learned to control my impulse to do cartwheels down a corridor, but the impulse is still there more often than you’d think. However, many adults do not. Many enter the criminal justice system. Many never leave their homes. Many lean to drugs, alcohol and gambling to cope with the constant need for stimulation. This is not something that is outgrown. It is something that is managed, either in healthy or unhealthy ways.
How to reply: That’s an interesting question. Are you asking if my brain suddenly becomes typical at a certain age? If I’m supported, I can learn to cope better and fit into this neurotypical world. However, I am always going to experience the world through an ND lens.
Everyone is a little Autistic/ADHD
This is so offensive. You might be wondering why. The idea behind this statement is to try to find similarity and unity. But that’s not what is meant. When one says “everyone is a little autistic or ADHD” they are talking about traits that are perceived as negative. No one ever is talking about the ability to understand the minutia of a particular subject or the natural ability to do big-sky thinking on any subject. They are referring to traits that are judged poorly. It is pathologizing a lived experience. I am more than forgetful or obsessive or messy or spacy or needing structure.
How to reply: I’m not sure what you mean by that. Even in the ND world, we are not all the same. But, it’s kind of like saying you’re a little bit pregnant. You either are or you aren’t. Plus, it’s bigger than just a list of traits that need to be supported. Can I tell you more?
This is just trendy
This one is really making a push as more and more adults are being diagnosed. This is especially true for AFAB women as getting a diagnosis as a young girl is very difficult. With the advent of TikTok and other social media platforms, people are starting to share their stories and learn more about themselves. I can see how this would feel trendy as we are going from “keep it secret” to “fly your flag” in a generation. Adults in my clinic share a mutual experience of educational trauma, feeling wrong and experiencing a new state of awareness that is amazing and unsettling all at the same time. Is it trendy? Identification is never trendy. It requires rigid examination and diagnostic criteria. What is trending is permission to share an authentic experience.
How to reply: It can seem that way with more and more people sharing their experiences. I’m just glad we are finally living in a world where people don’t need to be ashamed of who they are anymore. Imagine what it was like when people could openly judge and discriminate against you without fear of retribution. It’s great how the world has changed.
Micro and macro aggressions are a loud and obnoxious part of the discussion around neurodivergence, particularly ADHD and Autism at the moment. Uninformed people with big mouths shouting their opinions have unfortunately become part of the daily experience of being online. It can be difficult to sift through the rough to find the diamond in it. I encourage education. I encourage learning from those of us who live this experience. This is how we can start to clean up our world and make it a more equitable and inclusive space for the next generation.
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