A conversation about equal parenting

It was an absolute delight to chat to Paul Morgan-Bentley on the topic of equal parenting.

Check out this recording of our conversation

As usual for our cross company events, the chat was on fire and makes for a fascinating read.

Read summary of participants’ chat here

Here are the questions posed to Paul:

What does it mean for dads to ‘parent out loud’ in the workplace or more broadly?

Did you personally face any barriers or challenges from colleagues or outside of work and if so how did you handle them?

What can we do as individuals to challenge traditional gender stereotypes & societal expectations around parenting?

How do we reach a stage where the role of a father is respected equally to that of a mother?

What is the one big shift that an employer / business could make that would help drive an authentic shift in attitude and mindset?

How can we approach the division of labour in the home?

 

Summary of our discussion

Paul found that much of the parent responsibility is placed on a mother. In work scenarios Paul found it hard to do things like leave early in order to take up his fair share of responsibility. However, in domestic scenarios he was met with surprise and praise when taking on his share of parental responsibility.

Dads are often either being praised or patronised.

Challenges faced?

• Paul used to pretend he had a meetings when wanting to leave the office early to pick up his son. He now ensures that he states out loud where he is going. Since there are no physical changes for men, people forget they are parents, so dads do need to speak about it.
• Doing this shows junior colleagues that it is ok for them to do the same and will create a culture of acceptance for dads to take on equal parental responsibility .

What can we do to challenge stereotypes?

• If a father is fully engaged with their child, their hormone levels will match that of the mother.
• Traditionally it will be the woman who wakes up in the night when a child cries, Paul’s own experience and research has shown that it will be the primary parent who will wake up first. This is not a gender issue. Therefore split independent parental leave will help to ensure that both parents will at some point be the primary parent.
• It is important for the child that the burden of responsibility is split. Even as a baby, a child can learn empathy through different caring attachments with different people.
• The primary parent needs to walk away and leave the dad (or other parent) to manage things on their own. Do not micromanage.

What can employers can do?

• Equal parenting leave policy that allows both parents to take it when they want and independently of each other.
• Marketing communications usually targets ‘Parents’. It needs to address Dads directly.

How to address the division of labour at home?

• Ask yourself ‘If we were 2 men how would we split things up?’
• Both parents need to make sacrifices and it shouldn’t aways be the woman who has to.
• There is a temptation to do everything together but sometimes one parent will have to leave the other parent to it.

 

‘Hands on Dad’ should be an obsolete phrase and the expectation to show up as a mum does, should be a basic assumption for dads.